I noticed this when we spent several days camping with our cousins earlier this year. We have very similarly aged children, and they parent in a way I really respect. I noticed that some of their children had significantly more responsibilities than ours did and they had different expectations for the level of independence they allowed. It was a helpful comparison for me, because we just don't have that many like minded friends whose daily lives I see. I definitely tend towards being more anxious, and also am constantly struggling to reconcile my own experience of being given far more responsibility than was appropriate as a child. It's very difficult to tease this out without a gauge!
So difficult! But I've had that same experience. In some cases, there are even things I think we're doing great on (reading, eating, etc) and then I see other families who have really cool and more effective ways to teach stuff. It is both humbling and useful for me.
Amazing how you've put your finger on another challenge of modern parenting that my family is also facing! My husband and I often find ourselves asking whether our kid is old enough to do X, or should she already know how to do Y? The cutting up of the kids dinner is an exact convo we've had. We have no guidance in our social circle on normal development, so we are kinda just winging it. We are actually strongly considering moving to be nearer several family members with kids of many ages, even though we love our home in Oregon, partly for this very reason.
Thanks! In our case we did move to be closer, and it has definitely helped. But also, all the nieces and nephews are a little bit older, and we aren't all as integrated as a village as I'd like — so we still run up against this problem. I'm honestly not sure how to solve it but we're trying!
Love this. I think the lack of community is a root cause of a lot of modern parenting discontent. As I’ve written about this myself, one interesting piece of pushback I’ve received is that the need for a “village” can be used as a euphemism for more government involvement/reliance. I had literally never thought about this, because it’s so clear to me that the village-type support is a big thing that’s lacking for parents in America.
That's interesting people have pushed back that way. My personal take is that government involvement has its place, but just can't solve all the challenges we have. In my mind, the village concept is useful because people can do it on an individual level; so, I can move closer to family, or deepen relationships with friends, or whatever — regardless of what policies lawmakers do or don't enact. Super interesting though that different people go in different directions with the concept.
My husband and I have also kind of winged it with our 3 kids, and Identify completely with this guessing game when it comes to how we're parenting.
In some cases, I can see how it could be good to not unnecessarily compare to "normal" when your kid is totally fine doing whatever they're doing at their own pace, but you're right -- there's just objective benefit in having that big picture of what kids are capable of handling / attempting / mastering so you know when to slow your roll and stop worrying!
Yeah my concern with this post was that it would come off as a keeping-up-with-the-Jones kind of thing, where there's a sense of competition. I'm sure that happens in some cases, but I guess with me personally if I see another family whose kids can swim better than mine, for example, my thought process tends to wonder how they achieved that outcome and if it might work for us as well.
In my mind it has to do with collective values, and what the village as a group decides kids should know. But I'm not even fully sure how to articulate this idea. I'll have to give it some more thought.
I noticed this when we spent several days camping with our cousins earlier this year. We have very similarly aged children, and they parent in a way I really respect. I noticed that some of their children had significantly more responsibilities than ours did and they had different expectations for the level of independence they allowed. It was a helpful comparison for me, because we just don't have that many like minded friends whose daily lives I see. I definitely tend towards being more anxious, and also am constantly struggling to reconcile my own experience of being given far more responsibility than was appropriate as a child. It's very difficult to tease this out without a gauge!
So difficult! But I've had that same experience. In some cases, there are even things I think we're doing great on (reading, eating, etc) and then I see other families who have really cool and more effective ways to teach stuff. It is both humbling and useful for me.
Amazing how you've put your finger on another challenge of modern parenting that my family is also facing! My husband and I often find ourselves asking whether our kid is old enough to do X, or should she already know how to do Y? The cutting up of the kids dinner is an exact convo we've had. We have no guidance in our social circle on normal development, so we are kinda just winging it. We are actually strongly considering moving to be nearer several family members with kids of many ages, even though we love our home in Oregon, partly for this very reason.
Thanks! In our case we did move to be closer, and it has definitely helped. But also, all the nieces and nephews are a little bit older, and we aren't all as integrated as a village as I'd like — so we still run up against this problem. I'm honestly not sure how to solve it but we're trying!
Well please keep writing about your journey, because there seem to be quite a few of us out here without the village we would wish!
Love this. I think the lack of community is a root cause of a lot of modern parenting discontent. As I’ve written about this myself, one interesting piece of pushback I’ve received is that the need for a “village” can be used as a euphemism for more government involvement/reliance. I had literally never thought about this, because it’s so clear to me that the village-type support is a big thing that’s lacking for parents in America.
That's interesting people have pushed back that way. My personal take is that government involvement has its place, but just can't solve all the challenges we have. In my mind, the village concept is useful because people can do it on an individual level; so, I can move closer to family, or deepen relationships with friends, or whatever — regardless of what policies lawmakers do or don't enact. Super interesting though that different people go in different directions with the concept.
The is actually a brilliant connection.
My husband and I have also kind of winged it with our 3 kids, and Identify completely with this guessing game when it comes to how we're parenting.
In some cases, I can see how it could be good to not unnecessarily compare to "normal" when your kid is totally fine doing whatever they're doing at their own pace, but you're right -- there's just objective benefit in having that big picture of what kids are capable of handling / attempting / mastering so you know when to slow your roll and stop worrying!
Yeah my concern with this post was that it would come off as a keeping-up-with-the-Jones kind of thing, where there's a sense of competition. I'm sure that happens in some cases, but I guess with me personally if I see another family whose kids can swim better than mine, for example, my thought process tends to wonder how they achieved that outcome and if it might work for us as well.
In my mind it has to do with collective values, and what the village as a group decides kids should know. But I'm not even fully sure how to articulate this idea. I'll have to give it some more thought.
For sure. I didn’t even have that thought come up until after the essay and was mulling it over.
You didn’t convey that at all! Just a tangent I thought of. :)