This is wonderful and I just went and bought her book! I appreciate these conversations, and your newsletter as a whole, so much. I am a newlywed and have spent years orienting my life around wanting to be a mother, in terms of saving habits, choosing where to live, working on my character, etc. But I feel I can't really tell anyone how much of a central focus motherhood is for me. It seems like most of the people you hear extolling the virtues of parenting are gross jerks who think women should never have degrees or careers. So reading these middle-ground, realistic insights every week is SO grounding. You helped my husband and me decide recently to move to his hometown to be near his extended family. Thank you for another great, eye-opening piece!
Thank you so much. You have no idea how wonderful it is to read feedback like this. I don't know why parenting and family life has become so polarizing! I think most people want successful families no matter their politics, background, etc, and I wish there was less influences-on-the-fringes and more grasping at common sense.
so with you, Celia -- clearly. I still don't quite understand how we got here, and how when I say nice things about caregiving it is somehow still seen as an attempt to hold women back. I work full time/ love my career...and love my kids...and find care super meaningful...and I know I am not alone and yet those voices rarely surface. Let me know how you enjoyed the book!
Elissa - I just finished your book last week and I LOVED it! It gave me so much context for other things I had been reading and experiencing. For example, before I got married, I read the John Gottman marriage book that mentions that a lot of heterosexual marriages begin falling apart when a husband feels (or chooses to be) left out of caregiving. I thought you explored that in a really nuanced way, with the idea that both men and women have a role to play in preventing that dynamic. A few of our friends had babies this year, and I notice that they always ask me to hold the baby and never ask my husband. So already, a small skill gap is beginning to form! We have been volunteering to babysit for our friends as a couple, not only to help them but also so that we can both learn a little about caring for a baby before we have one.
thank you so much for letting me know! and that is such a good point about who people ask to hold babies. these small things lead to big things. wish you all the best with your care experience and I hope motherhood is filled with the expected and productive unexpected.
(also, word-of-mouth really helps authors these days, so if you are ever inclined/ it feels organic to tell others about my book IRL or online, that would be wonderful.)
This is making me think a lot beyond the caregiving role I have as a parent. I had the experience of caring for my grandmother for several weeks after she'd taken a bad fall and broken her hip. She was in the hospital, but I helped with all the tasks—changing, feeding, helping to calm her down when she became disoriented, and advocating for her with the medical staff. She had lost her memory at that point, but it was still a very moving experience, and although it was physically and emotionally demanding, I would never trade that experience for anything. I think people should accept caregiving as a necessary and transcendent part of living a full and meaningful life—the way people view getting married, having kids, and finding meaningful work. Caregiving—especially for the adults who cared for us—is incredibly humbling, and even though it's demanding, it's imminently worthwhile. I've become quite protective of that responsibility, and I plan to be in a position to care for both my parents when the time comes. Having the help of nurses (when my grandmother was released from the hospital, we hired a nurse to come in and help regularly) was absolutely essential, but even still, I was glad to not have all the work outsourced because of how precious (though at times grueling) those hours turned out to be.
That's super interesting, and I really loved this phrase: "it's imminently worthwhile."
It'll be interesting to watch our generation grapple with aging parents because I think the financial and family dynamics between boomers and millennials will be different compared to boomers and their own parents.
thank you for sharing this Becca. people still seemed shocked by book's subject sometimes--the burden narrative continues to overwhelm everything else. and yet there are so many stories like yours that people hesitate to share, but when they do it is so moving and makes total sense. if anything, I hope my book inspires people to share these stories more often and make care something we are curious about.
Wow, can’t wait to read that piece and this one! (w my kids now)
I too have found caregiving to be a super powerful, meaningful experience—and one that I definitely didn’t understand the value of before I was doing it.
This is wonderful and I just went and bought her book! I appreciate these conversations, and your newsletter as a whole, so much. I am a newlywed and have spent years orienting my life around wanting to be a mother, in terms of saving habits, choosing where to live, working on my character, etc. But I feel I can't really tell anyone how much of a central focus motherhood is for me. It seems like most of the people you hear extolling the virtues of parenting are gross jerks who think women should never have degrees or careers. So reading these middle-ground, realistic insights every week is SO grounding. You helped my husband and me decide recently to move to his hometown to be near his extended family. Thank you for another great, eye-opening piece!
Thank you so much. You have no idea how wonderful it is to read feedback like this. I don't know why parenting and family life has become so polarizing! I think most people want successful families no matter their politics, background, etc, and I wish there was less influences-on-the-fringes and more grasping at common sense.
so with you, Celia -- clearly. I still don't quite understand how we got here, and how when I say nice things about caregiving it is somehow still seen as an attempt to hold women back. I work full time/ love my career...and love my kids...and find care super meaningful...and I know I am not alone and yet those voices rarely surface. Let me know how you enjoyed the book!
Elissa - I just finished your book last week and I LOVED it! It gave me so much context for other things I had been reading and experiencing. For example, before I got married, I read the John Gottman marriage book that mentions that a lot of heterosexual marriages begin falling apart when a husband feels (or chooses to be) left out of caregiving. I thought you explored that in a really nuanced way, with the idea that both men and women have a role to play in preventing that dynamic. A few of our friends had babies this year, and I notice that they always ask me to hold the baby and never ask my husband. So already, a small skill gap is beginning to form! We have been volunteering to babysit for our friends as a couple, not only to help them but also so that we can both learn a little about caring for a baby before we have one.
thank you so much for letting me know! and that is such a good point about who people ask to hold babies. these small things lead to big things. wish you all the best with your care experience and I hope motherhood is filled with the expected and productive unexpected.
(also, word-of-mouth really helps authors these days, so if you are ever inclined/ it feels organic to tell others about my book IRL or online, that would be wonderful.)
Take care! Give care!
Elissa
This is making me think a lot beyond the caregiving role I have as a parent. I had the experience of caring for my grandmother for several weeks after she'd taken a bad fall and broken her hip. She was in the hospital, but I helped with all the tasks—changing, feeding, helping to calm her down when she became disoriented, and advocating for her with the medical staff. She had lost her memory at that point, but it was still a very moving experience, and although it was physically and emotionally demanding, I would never trade that experience for anything. I think people should accept caregiving as a necessary and transcendent part of living a full and meaningful life—the way people view getting married, having kids, and finding meaningful work. Caregiving—especially for the adults who cared for us—is incredibly humbling, and even though it's demanding, it's imminently worthwhile. I've become quite protective of that responsibility, and I plan to be in a position to care for both my parents when the time comes. Having the help of nurses (when my grandmother was released from the hospital, we hired a nurse to come in and help regularly) was absolutely essential, but even still, I was glad to not have all the work outsourced because of how precious (though at times grueling) those hours turned out to be.
That's super interesting, and I really loved this phrase: "it's imminently worthwhile."
It'll be interesting to watch our generation grapple with aging parents because I think the financial and family dynamics between boomers and millennials will be different compared to boomers and their own parents.
thank you for sharing this Becca. people still seemed shocked by book's subject sometimes--the burden narrative continues to overwhelm everything else. and yet there are so many stories like yours that people hesitate to share, but when they do it is so moving and makes total sense. if anything, I hope my book inspires people to share these stories more often and make care something we are curious about.
Wow, can’t wait to read that piece and this one! (w my kids now)
I too have found caregiving to be a super powerful, meaningful experience—and one that I definitely didn’t understand the value of before I was doing it.
Same, for me it took becoming a parent to grasp the benefits. I personally didn't grasp them in the abstract.