Great piece, Jim. When my kids were small, I had to develop a tolerance for noise and activity levels and so many other challenges which, until then, hadn’t been part of my life. Having kids helped me discover that I wasn’t as wonderful a person as I thought I was—and that I needed to grow in ways I never thought possible. Therein lies the magic of raising children: they are humbling.
Boy this rings true. I tend to think of myself as a pretty even keel kinda dude, but just yesterday after our third bathroom accident that was def not how anyone would describe me lol. Certainly reveals areas in which growth is needed.
Thank you for fleshing out this important topic. Age-ism seems to be a socially-acceptable discrimination unfortunately.
My family with 3 children is being treated by grandparents to a cruise on a line whose target consumer is most definitely retirees. I went on the chats to determine what might be expected attitude-wise from our fellow cruisers of the boomer generation. Generally, they seemed to say we love seeing children and multi-generation vacationing families, especially when the children have decent manners. What a relief to find this reasonable attitude. Everyone cringes at misbehaving children and absent parents, but who’s willing to step up to be the decent parents, grandparents & community that healthy children need.
The whole concept of child-free establishments seems to be almost a human-rights issue of age discrimination. For all the talk with the buzzword ‘inclusion’, child-free establishments exclude so many, not only children but their caregivers as well.
In addition, I find the ‘childless trend’ incredibly short-sighted.
“The whole concept of child-free establishments seems to be almost a human-rights issue of age discrimination. For all the talk with the buzzword ‘inclusion’, child-free establishments exclude so many, not only children but their caregivers as well.” — YES.
Yep. Saying kids aren’t welcome says their caregivers aren’t welcome either. Fine. I was about to buy a couple coffees, 5 hot cocoas, and assorted treats at your establishment but I guess you don’t like making money.
Agreed on all counts. I think the cruise and the coffee analogies here are also important; my daughter and I often stop to buy a cookie at the bakery of a fancy-ish restaurant on our walk to school. She now LOVES that place and will probably be a lifelong customer. Banning kids there wouldn't just mean losing a few bucks on a cookie, it'd mean missing out on years of patronage and positive word of mouth.
"They’re an optional accessory that might bring fulfilment to an owner’s life, but who also aren’t presumed as having any larger social benefit, rights, or claim on the public sphere. And no one has an inherent right to bring their annoying accessory into a public space."
Yes. We were all once children, and children are people too, so it's wild they get relegated to second-class citizens.
Love this. So much to explore around the child unfriendliness in our culture!
I’ve thought about child-free weddings a lot. Several of my cousins had them in recent years. Aside from the points you mentioned, it’s also the supreme irony of a wedding being the celebration of a marriage, which is literally the beginning of… a family🥴
I lived in Granada, Spain for six months (and traveled to other Spanish cities too). All of the plazas around are just a whole vibe🙌🏼 It’s so wonderful. Loved to see the playgrounds etc in airports and on trains!
THIS!!!! As WEddINgs symbolize the blendINg and unification of Families and BloodlINes, excludINg the youngest members feels counterINtuitive and contraINdicative. By systematically excludINg Children, WE subtly detach from the foundational aspects of legacy and lINeage that WEddINgs Honor. INstead of showcasINg the full spectrum of Family Life, from the tender BEgINnINgs to seasoned maturation, WE Present a curated snapshot that omits the very HeART of Family dynamics (Children). Why distance the very symbols of Faith and future from celebrations that fundamentally Honor these themes?
I wrote about how my husband and I allow our toddler a later bedtime (we all go to bed together between 9pm-10pm most nights) in part so we have the flexibility to bring her to family and friend gatherings and parries (which maybe have up to 25-30 people in attendance at the very most, and usually less than 15). In the essay I explained that my daughter still gets 12 hours of sleep per night and really enjoys the socialization. I got a shaming comment from another mother! "Stop taking your child to adult parties and justifying it to yourself." I was baffled. I'm not sure what kind of "adult" parties she attends, but ours veer toward eating dinner, playing cards, or live music jam sessions.
It's 8pm here and my husband has just left the house to take my 3 and 5 year old to the park for a play before bed. All of our friends are baffled by our deliberate choice for later bedtimes but we love that we can spend quality time together every evening and not just at weekends.
I love that you brought up bedtimes. We tend to be flexible, especially in the summer, and it's so fun to see the kids get to run around in the evenings. There are some grumpy mornings occasionally, but overall late summer nights are one of my favorite things.
I noticed a huge shift in attitude after our first lockdown - someone stopped me in the supermarket with my toddler and asked if it was 'essential' that he be in there with me. Being out with 3 kids is such a rare sight in our community I get stopped everyday by people commenting that I must have my hands full as we're happily playing I-spy on our walks. How will kids learn about the world and community if they are not allowed to grow up in it?!
Another part of this is that to some degree parents are complicit. When kids are in public, they are often shushed with an electronic device. I regularly visit a coffee shop in an outdoor mall, and I'm appalled at how many toddlers are simply handed a tablet so that mom can chat with her friends - even though we're outside, and there is a play area 20 yards away. It is the public spaces, but it's also (sometimes) mom and dad, not wanting jr. to interrupt their conversation.
I’ve often heard the argument that having kids doesn’t promise that someone will be there for you in your old age, and this is true. But I can’t imagine being elderly and not having invested in the lives of my children regardless. Also, I’d never heard of childfree weddings until I moved from the South to the Northeast. If I married back home and said don’t bring your kids, literally no one would be there. It’s rude to even suggest that.
Yes! I wonder how much is small town too. My sister got married in a small town and had an 800 person wedding. When you’re that involved in the town, everyone come. My grandparents put their invitation in the town newspaper! But the Pinterest/Instagram worthy wedding photos contribute to this a ton too. Weddings have become a full production.
I’m a late twenties Mom and most of my friends don’t have kids yet. In fact, many of our friends are getting married at this point, and there’s been a huge number that have had kid free weddings! It stings a bit as a parent (or it’s possible I’m just too sensitive). Like, getting to this wedding is now 10x more difficult and expensive, and I’m the only one being singled out! That said, I do think it’s really tough to appreciate a lot of your excellent points before you become a parent.
Also, as an aside, one thing that surprises me about kid-free weddings is that you don’t get the traditional (and adorable) ring bearer and flower girl! Who wouldn’t want that?
I can definitely understand the impulse to have a no kid wedding; we had kids in our 30s, and so had a lot of time where kids just weren't a part of our life or social sphere. Over time that starts to feel like the norm. In retrospect though I've come to see my own decision to live in that kind of world as a mistake. As NotaBot mentioned, I was only hurting myself.
The child-free weddings in recent years have been tough for my family. My husband and I got married before many in our peer group even started having kids, so the few kids that did show up from our own families (younger cousins) were just fine because they had a group they could stick with. And our ceremony was during the day, there was no alcohol, etc. Not exactly what you'd call a "big party" haha!
A couple of years ago, my sister-in-law got married and decided on a child-free wedding, but our kids (her two nephews) were the only exception. No kids were part of the wedding or anything like that. So our boys were the sole children on that occasion. That was a bit better with their grandparents and aunt there, at least.
Now, a dear friend of mine is getting married this September and wants a child-free wedding besides flower girls and a ring bearer... so not only are those kids going to be the only children there, but also me and two other bridesmaids now have their kids excluded (nevermind that some of those kids are part of my friend's own family), yet maanny kids on her soon-to-be-husband's side of the family are excluded, too. However, to quote my friend, they didn't want "a bunch of his nieces and nephews" running around.
As someone who got married on the cheap, I understand that more people at your wedding in general are more mouths to feed and thus more money shelled out for the caterer. That's really the one excuse I can come up with, though. At worse, the couple is signaling their distrust of parents to be able to take care of their own children, and at very worst, the couple is actively excluding not just members of their own family and family-in-law, but members of other families as well. I'm sitting here as a member of the bridal party, yet I can't help but feel unwelcome at this friend's upcoming wedding.
Apologies for the novel, can you tell this has been on my mind lately?
no apologies, novels in the comments are welcome haha!
But I think the point about cost is a really good one. I think my wedding cost a total of about $5,000. It was in 2008, but that was still very small at that time. It was in the backyard, we only had snacks/desserts, etc. And I thought it was great. I can definitely understand the desire for a bigger fancier affair, but I guess for me I'd prefer to cut costs and invite more of my social circle than cut people out so the lucky few get something more upscale.
I think our wedding was also about $5k back in 2016. The venue, food, photographer, and flowers were probably the largest expenses. And maybe 80 people attended? It was amazing. A small, intimate wedding, but with all of the people we wanted there.
The way one friend worded the request for his upcoming child-free nuptials was "so that everyone in attendance can relax and have a good time." Then he and his bride just opted for a courthouse wedding with only a few people in attendance as witnesses. Kind of takes the stress out of the whole thing for them in more ways, I guess.
Sure, I might relax more without my kids present. Will I be having a better time, though? No. I also believe people don't know what they're missing when there aren't kids owning the dance floor in their adorable formal wear haha.
You know this brings something up: So often with child-free events, the organizers pitch them as a respite for parents. And I get that all of us parents do enjoy time away from the kids from time to time. But it seems like the presumption is that parents hate being around their kids and want any and all excuses to ditch them. Like, sure I'll go on a date night from time to time, but I do generally enjoy being around my kids and am happier when they are with me at big occasions. I'm not looking for excuses to regress to my pre-parent self.
You're exactly right! My husband and I just celebrated our anniversary, which was an overnighter, and it was wonderful. And we too, like any other parents, try to go on date nights every so often. Obviously, though, it's not out of any disdain for our children. In fact, we even try to explain to them why we're taking the time away from them because, while they're both still under 5, we feel like it's important to do that. We're not looking for any opportunity possible to get away from them. It's really only for special occasions, and we want them to know that.
We've absolutely wanted our kids with us at big occasions as well. The two weddings they've attended were a blast with them there with us!
A quick, hopefully related note to regressing to the pre-parent self: actually had a conversation with a fellow bridesmaid (currently enjoying the DINK life with her husband), and she was looking for advice about having kids eventually. And it was great that she kind of came to this realization on her own: "do we just keep rolling out of bed at 10am every morning, mosey on down to the local cafe, and literally have no plans for the rest of our lives?" I told her that you may not ever wake up at 10am again, but little dates to the cafe get even better with kids, and you don't look back. She seemed as though she liked what she heard! :)
It is unfathomable to me to ask friends to be part of the wedding party but then tell them “your kids aren’t welcome here”! I’ve seen this happen to some friends of mine , and while I get the desire to keep costs down, it puts the whole burden back onto the parents to choose which is more important to them: their kids, or being present for their friend/sibling on this important day.
Yup, you're exactly right. At least with my sister-in-law, it was no question, her nephews were going to be there, even if they were the only kids. But man, with my friend, it just feels weird that she's forcing so many of us in the bridal party to grapple with that choice.
I live in the Pacific Northwest and there’s playgrounds sprinkled everywhere. But, I’ve noticed abysmal to terrible parenting. Parents drop their unruly kids off and they’re terrorizing the playground and/or they stay and look at their phone while their kid either does something bad or nearly harms themselves. I don’t know what happened, when I was a child, the children were more disciplined and afraid of the consequences of bad behavior. Now? Bad behavior means your child is neurodivergent and you can’t do anything. I think a lot of banishing kids has to do with bad parenting and it’s tough, but somewhere along the way, American society made a wrong turn.
I'd suggest some of this blame needs to be placed on parents who would rather shove a bright digital screen in front of their kid's face instead of talking with them in the grocery store.
yeah I agree there's too much of that. I would say though that after taking heat for having mildly disruptive kids in public a few times, I get why some parents gradually retreat. I think there's room for improvement from a few different angles on this
I’ve had four cousins in the past ten years do this. None of them are on Instagram in any real way. It’s a “I want my perfect swanky party” thing. It’s a culture where we have prioritized perfection and ease over the meaningful and important (and yes, sometimes hard and inconvenient) things.
I’m so grateful for your blog! You have wonderful insights on family life and the important role of families and children in society. I’m very much of the belief that kids belong in public and although sometimes bringing my kids to Home Depot or boutiques or restaurants may make things a bit more chaotic, it is so important for kids to experience those parts of life too. Not just splash pads and playgrounds and library story times.
How cool that there were playgrounds at the airport in Spain!
I have a very large family and knew my great aunts and uncles well enough as a child can and now that I'm middle aged I'm so glad I got have and still have those relationships. One of great aunts probably started the child free wedding trend given that it was 30 years ago, so I couldn't go and I was so hurt by the exclusion. All of my adult family got to go but not me and my cousins. I concluded that she must not like me very much and it had a lifelong impact - I didn't have the same childlike presumption that she wants to join us in our card games or cared about the answer when she asked about school, which means we stayed distantly polite as adults.
I get it - she got married at an older age, some of my cousins weren't well-disciplined, etc, etc. I genuinely empathize. But that doesn't change the fact that it's distasteful.
Great piece, Jim. When my kids were small, I had to develop a tolerance for noise and activity levels and so many other challenges which, until then, hadn’t been part of my life. Having kids helped me discover that I wasn’t as wonderful a person as I thought I was—and that I needed to grow in ways I never thought possible. Therein lies the magic of raising children: they are humbling.
Boy this rings true. I tend to think of myself as a pretty even keel kinda dude, but just yesterday after our third bathroom accident that was def not how anyone would describe me lol. Certainly reveals areas in which growth is needed.
Thank you for fleshing out this important topic. Age-ism seems to be a socially-acceptable discrimination unfortunately.
My family with 3 children is being treated by grandparents to a cruise on a line whose target consumer is most definitely retirees. I went on the chats to determine what might be expected attitude-wise from our fellow cruisers of the boomer generation. Generally, they seemed to say we love seeing children and multi-generation vacationing families, especially when the children have decent manners. What a relief to find this reasonable attitude. Everyone cringes at misbehaving children and absent parents, but who’s willing to step up to be the decent parents, grandparents & community that healthy children need.
The whole concept of child-free establishments seems to be almost a human-rights issue of age discrimination. For all the talk with the buzzword ‘inclusion’, child-free establishments exclude so many, not only children but their caregivers as well.
In addition, I find the ‘childless trend’ incredibly short-sighted.
“The whole concept of child-free establishments seems to be almost a human-rights issue of age discrimination. For all the talk with the buzzword ‘inclusion’, child-free establishments exclude so many, not only children but their caregivers as well.” — YES.
BUT THEIR CAREGIVERS, AS WELL - yep.
Yep. Saying kids aren’t welcome says their caregivers aren’t welcome either. Fine. I was about to buy a couple coffees, 5 hot cocoas, and assorted treats at your establishment but I guess you don’t like making money.
Agreed on all counts. I think the cruise and the coffee analogies here are also important; my daughter and I often stop to buy a cookie at the bakery of a fancy-ish restaurant on our walk to school. She now LOVES that place and will probably be a lifelong customer. Banning kids there wouldn't just mean losing a few bucks on a cookie, it'd mean missing out on years of patronage and positive word of mouth.
"They’re an optional accessory that might bring fulfilment to an owner’s life, but who also aren’t presumed as having any larger social benefit, rights, or claim on the public sphere. And no one has an inherent right to bring their annoying accessory into a public space."
Yes. We were all once children, and children are people too, so it's wild they get relegated to second-class citizens.
So very weird. Seems like a symptom of a broader waning of empathy
Love this. So much to explore around the child unfriendliness in our culture!
I’ve thought about child-free weddings a lot. Several of my cousins had them in recent years. Aside from the points you mentioned, it’s also the supreme irony of a wedding being the celebration of a marriage, which is literally the beginning of… a family🥴
I lived in Granada, Spain for six months (and traveled to other Spanish cities too). All of the plazas around are just a whole vibe🙌🏼 It’s so wonderful. Loved to see the playgrounds etc in airports and on trains!
I'm envious you got to live in Granada! Such a great city. And I completely agree, there's an irony to child-free weddings that seems lost on many.
THIS!!!! As WEddINgs symbolize the blendINg and unification of Families and BloodlINes, excludINg the youngest members feels counterINtuitive and contraINdicative. By systematically excludINg Children, WE subtly detach from the foundational aspects of legacy and lINeage that WEddINgs Honor. INstead of showcasINg the full spectrum of Family Life, from the tender BEgINnINgs to seasoned maturation, WE Present a curated snapshot that omits the very HeART of Family dynamics (Children). Why distance the very symbols of Faith and future from celebrations that fundamentally Honor these themes?
"curated snapshot" is a perfect way to capture what's going on
I wrote about how my husband and I allow our toddler a later bedtime (we all go to bed together between 9pm-10pm most nights) in part so we have the flexibility to bring her to family and friend gatherings and parries (which maybe have up to 25-30 people in attendance at the very most, and usually less than 15). In the essay I explained that my daughter still gets 12 hours of sleep per night and really enjoys the socialization. I got a shaming comment from another mother! "Stop taking your child to adult parties and justifying it to yourself." I was baffled. I'm not sure what kind of "adult" parties she attends, but ours veer toward eating dinner, playing cards, or live music jam sessions.
It's 8pm here and my husband has just left the house to take my 3 and 5 year old to the park for a play before bed. All of our friends are baffled by our deliberate choice for later bedtimes but we love that we can spend quality time together every evening and not just at weekends.
Ah yes the adult party of standing around and eating chips and salsa 🤣
Sometimes ours get kind of wild and the karaoke machine comes out!
I love that you brought up bedtimes. We tend to be flexible, especially in the summer, and it's so fun to see the kids get to run around in the evenings. There are some grumpy mornings occasionally, but overall late summer nights are one of my favorite things.
I noticed a huge shift in attitude after our first lockdown - someone stopped me in the supermarket with my toddler and asked if it was 'essential' that he be in there with me. Being out with 3 kids is such a rare sight in our community I get stopped everyday by people commenting that I must have my hands full as we're happily playing I-spy on our walks. How will kids learn about the world and community if they are not allowed to grow up in it?!
Really interesting to think about how covid influenced all of this. I hadn't really considered that in this specific context.
Another part of this is that to some degree parents are complicit. When kids are in public, they are often shushed with an electronic device. I regularly visit a coffee shop in an outdoor mall, and I'm appalled at how many toddlers are simply handed a tablet so that mom can chat with her friends - even though we're outside, and there is a play area 20 yards away. It is the public spaces, but it's also (sometimes) mom and dad, not wanting jr. to interrupt their conversation.
I've seen that a lot too. The ipad/no ipad kid debate is not something I anticipated when I started having kids.
I’ve often heard the argument that having kids doesn’t promise that someone will be there for you in your old age, and this is true. But I can’t imagine being elderly and not having invested in the lives of my children regardless. Also, I’d never heard of childfree weddings until I moved from the South to the Northeast. If I married back home and said don’t bring your kids, literally no one would be there. It’s rude to even suggest that.
Yes! I wonder how much is small town too. My sister got married in a small town and had an 800 person wedding. When you’re that involved in the town, everyone come. My grandparents put their invitation in the town newspaper! But the Pinterest/Instagram worthy wedding photos contribute to this a ton too. Weddings have become a full production.
Many an 800 person small town wedding honestly sounds like a blast!
I’m a late twenties Mom and most of my friends don’t have kids yet. In fact, many of our friends are getting married at this point, and there’s been a huge number that have had kid free weddings! It stings a bit as a parent (or it’s possible I’m just too sensitive). Like, getting to this wedding is now 10x more difficult and expensive, and I’m the only one being singled out! That said, I do think it’s really tough to appreciate a lot of your excellent points before you become a parent.
Also, as an aside, one thing that surprises me about kid-free weddings is that you don’t get the traditional (and adorable) ring bearer and flower girl! Who wouldn’t want that?
You are not too sensitive. It is sad and they are hurting themselves.
I get this. When my husband and I get invitations that don’t include kids, we generally respond with, “well, I guess they don’t really want us there.”
I can definitely understand the impulse to have a no kid wedding; we had kids in our 30s, and so had a lot of time where kids just weren't a part of our life or social sphere. Over time that starts to feel like the norm. In retrospect though I've come to see my own decision to live in that kind of world as a mistake. As NotaBot mentioned, I was only hurting myself.
🙌🏼🙌🏼
Agree with everything you say! When the roles of kids and pets are reversed, it does a disservice to both. And it's just so twisted!
Totally!
The child-free weddings in recent years have been tough for my family. My husband and I got married before many in our peer group even started having kids, so the few kids that did show up from our own families (younger cousins) were just fine because they had a group they could stick with. And our ceremony was during the day, there was no alcohol, etc. Not exactly what you'd call a "big party" haha!
A couple of years ago, my sister-in-law got married and decided on a child-free wedding, but our kids (her two nephews) were the only exception. No kids were part of the wedding or anything like that. So our boys were the sole children on that occasion. That was a bit better with their grandparents and aunt there, at least.
Now, a dear friend of mine is getting married this September and wants a child-free wedding besides flower girls and a ring bearer... so not only are those kids going to be the only children there, but also me and two other bridesmaids now have their kids excluded (nevermind that some of those kids are part of my friend's own family), yet maanny kids on her soon-to-be-husband's side of the family are excluded, too. However, to quote my friend, they didn't want "a bunch of his nieces and nephews" running around.
As someone who got married on the cheap, I understand that more people at your wedding in general are more mouths to feed and thus more money shelled out for the caterer. That's really the one excuse I can come up with, though. At worse, the couple is signaling their distrust of parents to be able to take care of their own children, and at very worst, the couple is actively excluding not just members of their own family and family-in-law, but members of other families as well. I'm sitting here as a member of the bridal party, yet I can't help but feel unwelcome at this friend's upcoming wedding.
Apologies for the novel, can you tell this has been on my mind lately?
no apologies, novels in the comments are welcome haha!
But I think the point about cost is a really good one. I think my wedding cost a total of about $5,000. It was in 2008, but that was still very small at that time. It was in the backyard, we only had snacks/desserts, etc. And I thought it was great. I can definitely understand the desire for a bigger fancier affair, but I guess for me I'd prefer to cut costs and invite more of my social circle than cut people out so the lucky few get something more upscale.
I think our wedding was also about $5k back in 2016. The venue, food, photographer, and flowers were probably the largest expenses. And maybe 80 people attended? It was amazing. A small, intimate wedding, but with all of the people we wanted there.
The way one friend worded the request for his upcoming child-free nuptials was "so that everyone in attendance can relax and have a good time." Then he and his bride just opted for a courthouse wedding with only a few people in attendance as witnesses. Kind of takes the stress out of the whole thing for them in more ways, I guess.
Sure, I might relax more without my kids present. Will I be having a better time, though? No. I also believe people don't know what they're missing when there aren't kids owning the dance floor in their adorable formal wear haha.
You know this brings something up: So often with child-free events, the organizers pitch them as a respite for parents. And I get that all of us parents do enjoy time away from the kids from time to time. But it seems like the presumption is that parents hate being around their kids and want any and all excuses to ditch them. Like, sure I'll go on a date night from time to time, but I do generally enjoy being around my kids and am happier when they are with me at big occasions. I'm not looking for excuses to regress to my pre-parent self.
You're exactly right! My husband and I just celebrated our anniversary, which was an overnighter, and it was wonderful. And we too, like any other parents, try to go on date nights every so often. Obviously, though, it's not out of any disdain for our children. In fact, we even try to explain to them why we're taking the time away from them because, while they're both still under 5, we feel like it's important to do that. We're not looking for any opportunity possible to get away from them. It's really only for special occasions, and we want them to know that.
We've absolutely wanted our kids with us at big occasions as well. The two weddings they've attended were a blast with them there with us!
A quick, hopefully related note to regressing to the pre-parent self: actually had a conversation with a fellow bridesmaid (currently enjoying the DINK life with her husband), and she was looking for advice about having kids eventually. And it was great that she kind of came to this realization on her own: "do we just keep rolling out of bed at 10am every morning, mosey on down to the local cafe, and literally have no plans for the rest of our lives?" I told her that you may not ever wake up at 10am again, but little dates to the cafe get even better with kids, and you don't look back. She seemed as though she liked what she heard! :)
It is unfathomable to me to ask friends to be part of the wedding party but then tell them “your kids aren’t welcome here”! I’ve seen this happen to some friends of mine , and while I get the desire to keep costs down, it puts the whole burden back onto the parents to choose which is more important to them: their kids, or being present for their friend/sibling on this important day.
Yup, you're exactly right. At least with my sister-in-law, it was no question, her nephews were going to be there, even if they were the only kids. But man, with my friend, it just feels weird that she's forcing so many of us in the bridal party to grapple with that choice.
I live in the Pacific Northwest and there’s playgrounds sprinkled everywhere. But, I’ve noticed abysmal to terrible parenting. Parents drop their unruly kids off and they’re terrorizing the playground and/or they stay and look at their phone while their kid either does something bad or nearly harms themselves. I don’t know what happened, when I was a child, the children were more disciplined and afraid of the consequences of bad behavior. Now? Bad behavior means your child is neurodivergent and you can’t do anything. I think a lot of banishing kids has to do with bad parenting and it’s tough, but somewhere along the way, American society made a wrong turn.
A comment above mentioned the impact of lockdowns on parenting. I wonder if that could be a part of what's happening
I'd suggest some of this blame needs to be placed on parents who would rather shove a bright digital screen in front of their kid's face instead of talking with them in the grocery store.
yeah I agree there's too much of that. I would say though that after taking heat for having mildly disruptive kids in public a few times, I get why some parents gradually retreat. I think there's room for improvement from a few different angles on this
What good is a wedding without children underfoot? I can't even imagine it. Is this an Instagram thing?
I do think it's an instagram thing.
I’ve had four cousins in the past ten years do this. None of them are on Instagram in any real way. It’s a “I want my perfect swanky party” thing. It’s a culture where we have prioritized perfection and ease over the meaningful and important (and yes, sometimes hard and inconvenient) things.
I’m so grateful for your blog! You have wonderful insights on family life and the important role of families and children in society. I’m very much of the belief that kids belong in public and although sometimes bringing my kids to Home Depot or boutiques or restaurants may make things a bit more chaotic, it is so important for kids to experience those parts of life too. Not just splash pads and playgrounds and library story times.
How cool that there were playgrounds at the airport in Spain!
Thank you so much!
I have a very large family and knew my great aunts and uncles well enough as a child can and now that I'm middle aged I'm so glad I got have and still have those relationships. One of great aunts probably started the child free wedding trend given that it was 30 years ago, so I couldn't go and I was so hurt by the exclusion. All of my adult family got to go but not me and my cousins. I concluded that she must not like me very much and it had a lifelong impact - I didn't have the same childlike presumption that she wants to join us in our card games or cared about the answer when she asked about school, which means we stayed distantly polite as adults.
I get it - she got married at an older age, some of my cousins weren't well-disciplined, etc, etc. I genuinely empathize. But that doesn't change the fact that it's distasteful.
Super fascinating to hear this from the kid's perspective. I've actually wondered how kids who are left out feel about that.