Loved both your piece for IFS and this reflection! In the former, this: “More than inadequate reporting, then, the bigger problem with the piece is that it treats sacrifice for the sake of family as unreservedly negative. The implication, the underlying assumption, is that individuals should put themselves first.” This is really true. Something I learned recently is that the word “sacrifice” literally means (from the Latin) “to make sacred.” I thought that was incredibly beautiful—and such a stark contrast to the way we think of it these days (as cringe/oppressive).
Interesting piece. The entire Ballerina Farm Instagram and now this, all stink of envy and jealousy. Unfortunately I'm not a envious/jealous person, so I can't understand the logic. Instead of bettering yourself, you denigrate others?
As for the creation of a life, that their children stay around. Nothing in life is guaranteed. You could live in a city and your child moves out to the boondocks, vice versa. I'd say it's more about character and being someone that your child WANTS to be around as an adult. Also, with 8 kids, half leave, half stay. Good odds for you. 1 or 2 kids? You may end up with none around.
That's a great point. I have a huge family and a lot of us live near each other – but some don't. If those were the only siblings, no one would live near each other. So the bigger the family, the better the odds of companionship.
This is a great, really interesting piece. As someone whose (upper?) middle class parents spent their life earnings so that I could attend elite schools and then go onto a prestigious law school and white-shoe big law firm, my experience is that money tends to divide families as much as unite them, and most nepo babies are very unhappy. This situation feels like an exception, maybe because Mormons are typically raised with values that keep them away from the usual troublemakers (drugs etc). The happiness curve relative to household income looks like a horseshoe to me, where more isn’t always necessarily better.
I felt from the beginning when reading the Ballerina Farm piece in the Times that there were elements of Mormon culture at hand that an outsider might not even know to watch for—I’m Catholic, and watching the media butcher Catholic history and tradition is just par for the course, but I imagine it’s even worse for Mormons. I’d be interested to read more about your thoughts on that!
Yeah, I think the Mormon thing is a factor; it's a unique culture (that the original article missed entirely).
That's super interesting to hear your observations on family wealth. I've definitely observed similar things anecdotally (eg watched many families in my sphere fracture over things like inheritances etc). But I'm also fascinated by the families that don't experience that fracturing — because I also know a few families that, for example, are on their third or fourth generation of a business etc. What made that work? Why do some families manage to pull together financially over multiple generations?
I always enjoy perspective Jim- thank you for a great essay. I love your suggestion that rather than feeling resentment towards children who are beneficiaries of wealth, we should instead adopt their parent’s playbook to the extent that we can. Going a step further and building family compounds with that wealth seems to be a logical path towards sustainable villages.
"We do a terrible job as a society talking about this. It’d be interesting to ask the Radish folks if their parents or school guidance counselors ever said something like “get a good job so you can live near your friends.” But no one ever said anything like that to me or anybody I know." --> Right on. If we are putting down people using their money in ways that allow them to build villages and communities, it's probably with a twinge of resentment or guilt, jealousy or regret. Most people follow the money and break their communal bonds in the process. And like you mention, their kids could very well do so... but I think that's the question for all of us raising kids, hoping for generational village-building/repair. Why and how could today's children live nearby into adulthood to prevent those breaks from perpetuating? I think about that all the time. Great piece.
It's so hard not to chase the money. I sort of tried to split the difference by living in a moderate sized city where opportunity was abundant, but where cost of living wasn't too high. But then it ended up being one of the cities that blew up during covid and now its' one of the most expensive places to live relative to local wages. Oh well!
I appreciate how you connected money as a tool for community. More financial professionals (CPAs, CFPs, attorneys, etc) need to be optimizing resources for relationships -- not investment returns.
The best conversations around money or legacy lean into relationships and how they can be used to strengthen them.
Loved both your piece for IFS and this reflection! In the former, this: “More than inadequate reporting, then, the bigger problem with the piece is that it treats sacrifice for the sake of family as unreservedly negative. The implication, the underlying assumption, is that individuals should put themselves first.” This is really true. Something I learned recently is that the word “sacrifice” literally means (from the Latin) “to make sacred.” I thought that was incredibly beautiful—and such a stark contrast to the way we think of it these days (as cringe/oppressive).
Thanks so much, and I love that entomology on sacrifice. Such a cool and beautiful thing I'll have to try to remember!
Interesting piece. The entire Ballerina Farm Instagram and now this, all stink of envy and jealousy. Unfortunately I'm not a envious/jealous person, so I can't understand the logic. Instead of bettering yourself, you denigrate others?
As for the creation of a life, that their children stay around. Nothing in life is guaranteed. You could live in a city and your child moves out to the boondocks, vice versa. I'd say it's more about character and being someone that your child WANTS to be around as an adult. Also, with 8 kids, half leave, half stay. Good odds for you. 1 or 2 kids? You may end up with none around.
That's a great point. I have a huge family and a lot of us live near each other – but some don't. If those were the only siblings, no one would live near each other. So the bigger the family, the better the odds of companionship.
This is a great, really interesting piece. As someone whose (upper?) middle class parents spent their life earnings so that I could attend elite schools and then go onto a prestigious law school and white-shoe big law firm, my experience is that money tends to divide families as much as unite them, and most nepo babies are very unhappy. This situation feels like an exception, maybe because Mormons are typically raised with values that keep them away from the usual troublemakers (drugs etc). The happiness curve relative to household income looks like a horseshoe to me, where more isn’t always necessarily better.
I felt from the beginning when reading the Ballerina Farm piece in the Times that there were elements of Mormon culture at hand that an outsider might not even know to watch for—I’m Catholic, and watching the media butcher Catholic history and tradition is just par for the course, but I imagine it’s even worse for Mormons. I’d be interested to read more about your thoughts on that!
Yeah, I think the Mormon thing is a factor; it's a unique culture (that the original article missed entirely).
That's super interesting to hear your observations on family wealth. I've definitely observed similar things anecdotally (eg watched many families in my sphere fracture over things like inheritances etc). But I'm also fascinated by the families that don't experience that fracturing — because I also know a few families that, for example, are on their third or fourth generation of a business etc. What made that work? Why do some families manage to pull together financially over multiple generations?
I always enjoy perspective Jim- thank you for a great essay. I love your suggestion that rather than feeling resentment towards children who are beneficiaries of wealth, we should instead adopt their parent’s playbook to the extent that we can. Going a step further and building family compounds with that wealth seems to be a logical path towards sustainable villages.
Love it yes! Family compounds are where its at haha!
Really interesting take and a great read
thanks so much!
"We do a terrible job as a society talking about this. It’d be interesting to ask the Radish folks if their parents or school guidance counselors ever said something like “get a good job so you can live near your friends.” But no one ever said anything like that to me or anybody I know." --> Right on. If we are putting down people using their money in ways that allow them to build villages and communities, it's probably with a twinge of resentment or guilt, jealousy or regret. Most people follow the money and break their communal bonds in the process. And like you mention, their kids could very well do so... but I think that's the question for all of us raising kids, hoping for generational village-building/repair. Why and how could today's children live nearby into adulthood to prevent those breaks from perpetuating? I think about that all the time. Great piece.
As always, thank you so much!
It's so hard not to chase the money. I sort of tried to split the difference by living in a moderate sized city where opportunity was abundant, but where cost of living wasn't too high. But then it ended up being one of the cities that blew up during covid and now its' one of the most expensive places to live relative to local wages. Oh well!
I assume the media is putting down Ballerina Farm because she's gorgeous and makes being a religious mother of many look aspirational.
yeah, I think that's a big part of it.
I appreciate how you connected money as a tool for community. More financial professionals (CPAs, CFPs, attorneys, etc) need to be optimizing resources for relationships -- not investment returns.
The best conversations around money or legacy lean into relationships and how they can be used to strengthen them.